I like how you left like ...
When it says. Noisily the bell rang my ears were still ringing!
I like that but you should have said. Noisily, the bell rang and my ears were still ringing. Ok but keep up the good work
Reply
Mr Temple
6/10/2013 10:29:11 am
Well done, Curtis you have used some of the language features we taked about. I particularly liked your 'I moved forward' short sentence and how you began a sentence with 'Noisily'!
It would be even better if the 2 paragraphs were more closely linked; also, you need to explain how the turtle survived!
Reply
Drew
6/10/2013 02:38:18 pm
Hi Curtis, it's Drew from school.
If you wanted to improve it more you could use some openers such as, In addition or Suddenly.
I really liked the way you used paragraphs and also the simi-colon. That was a really good sentence.
Please comment on mine Curtis.
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply.
Author
We are Year 6 at Tanfield Lea Community Primary School, a primary school in County Durham who want to broaden our horizons and to show the world what we have to offer. We are using this blog to explore web design, write creatively and as a wider audience for the class' talents!
We are very keen for links with other schools, both in the UK and internationally. Please contact us via the comments boxes!
Our topic for the Autumn term is the Normans, looking at the architecture, sources and impact of the Norman Conquest of Britain.